Last years I’ve been focused on becoming my best self, on healing my trauma so I can finally live my life happy and with my soulmate. So I can finally have a flourishing business and make enough money to be financially free and independent.
I felt like I was fucking up. I guess I kinda was. I’d set these ‘rules’ or ‘life goals’ for myself. My: this is what you have to do if you want a good relationship. Most of them focused on trauma because trauma is the reason why I keep attracting this pain in my life.
And I still think that is true… it is because of trauma. But all I did was trying to walk away from this pain, this suffering, by founding solutions on how to prevent all this from happening? What could I do that I wouldn’t have another bad relationship? How did I have to learn to react? What did I have to heal and how?
Everything… everything was focused on: if you do this… then you’ll have…
It was all focused on running away from the pain. Running away from my biggest pain: abandonment. Every time a person I am close and attached too closes off, has a wall, becomes emotionally unavailable… I freak out and do everything in my power to make sure they don’t leave me. I please, so he will open up. I will validate him and show empathy, so he’d open up. I will manipulate and make him interested again or make him come closer by seduction or ‘let’s just have fun’ or by making him jealous or making him fear to lose me. I will withdraw and hope he freaks out and seeks my attention. I will get mad and extremely angry and vindictive, trying to teach them to behave and letting them know I’m not okay with this! I will get needy and overly emotional to the point of wanting to kill myself (which I actually do want at that moment because the pain of this felt separation is unbearable) and trying to make him ‘save me’. I will read thousands of books on trauma, relationships and self development… all to find the ‘cure’ for this pain. And in the end… putting myself in these horrible situations and create horrible reactions, making things so intense, extreme and unbearable… I realise: this can not be the man for me, he has hurt me too much, I don’t want to be with somebody like this…
So I … abandon them..
After 20 years of doing the same thing over and over and over again. Trying all these different techniques…. All I did… all I do is trying to avoid and prevent this pain. What do I have to do differently in the future so this does never happen again? React differently? Become extremely self loving? Set more boundaries? Be more selective in the men I start a relationship with?
It all didn’t matter… because it happened again and again and again and again. I didn’t know I was walking away from pain… because on of my techniques was ‘feeling your emotions’ because you have to sit with your pain.. because in pain you find the answer. But after sitting with my pain… nothing changed! I’d feel worse… go deep… and most of all: nothing in my life changed instead me going deeper and deeper in these emotions of hopelessness that nothing works and it will never get better. That I’d work so hard and still my life didn’t get any better, my relationships didn’t get any better…
What I didn’t realize was… I used this ‘technique’ of sitting with my pain as an attempt to prevent it, as in: if I do this enough times I won’t get triggered anymore and I would be free from triggers and fears.
Until I stopped…. I stopped with all of it.
And I dove into schematherapy and acceptance and commitment therapy. Schematherapy focusses on your childhood trauma and your core beliefds, for example: having the belief that people will leave you, won’t show you empathy or can’t love you. So you try to cope with that pain in several ways like lashing out, withdrawing, becoming needy,… but when you’ve done this long enough, you realise it makes things worse… And that the ‘cure’ is not in these behaviors, it’s not in manipulation, it’s not in trying to heal this shit,… because that is all: walking away from pain.
The only thing you can do: is accept that pain… accept the reality and not walk away from that pain. Not trying to control or manipulate.. So actually that means: when he wants space and you feel so rejected and hurt…. Let it. don’t try to change the situation. Don’t try to manipulate so you’ll have what you want and your pain of rejection and your fear of abandonment will go away. At that moment … when you’re being immensely triggered… you just take a step back.. accept this current reality… and just breathe
It is just a feeling, it is just a trigger, and this situation will not kill you. you’ll live.. you’ll survive.
See yourself as the sky… and your feelings as the weather. Let your feelings float by. It’s just weather… today it might be raining, tomorrow or even in a few hours the sun might shine.. you don’t know. Tell yourself: this is how I feel now, and this will pass.
This too shall pass…
But then again you’ll want to crash and freak out, or start crying or start manipulating or you’d start drinking and getting yourself numb, or you’d go completely into your feelings with the thought: if I feel this deep enough it will go away.
No …
Don’t…
Trust me… doesn’t work. Or not in the long term at least.
Breathe… you’ll live, you’re okay, it will pass..
But you’ll be like: but what if he takes space and realizes he doesn’t want to be with me anymore… for example..
Well imagine yourself the worst case scenario, like: what if I lose him for good? Then this too… will be okay.
It’s okay to lose him, it’s okay if he leaves you, it’s okay if he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, and it’s okay if you will feel this pain and wanting to avoid it. it’s okay.
It’s radical acceptance… accept this worst case scenario… make peace with it. Tell yourself it’s okay if he leaves you. And feel the freedom that comes with it.
That is sitting with your pain. That is knowing that you can’t manipulate life or others and that it doesn’t matter what decisions you make or how much you learn to try to prevent this, it doesn’t matter what you do to try and protect yourself from this… in the long run… after trying this endless times… you’ll realise that all you can do is accept the reality and surrender.
Every time this pain comes up… I tell myself: it’s okay… it’s okay if this happens.. I’ll survive.. I’ll live… nothing has to change. And it gives me an immense feeling of freedom and relief and also trust.
I used to focus on ‘who do I want to be when I get older?’ and I do this meditation where I tune in in my older self and ask her for advice. And looking at her, what she’s like, what she’s thinking, what her life is like… and then I think about how I can get to this stage of who I want to be. But today… I saw my older self… and I wanted my older self to be just like the person I am today. Just me… funny, fucked up, chaotic, feeling like a mess, but at the same time like everythings is fine… like just the person I am today. I looked at my older self… and I started crying from joy… because for the first time in my life.. I accepted myself completely for who I am and didn’t want to change a thing about myself or my life. Not because I wouldn’t be able to become a better version of myself.. but because I really didn’t want to anymore. I just like the person that I am and I don’t want to change anything. It’s completely okay to be who I am. And in that came so much relief and joy and like I could finally relax…
I don’t have to be any other then who I am today… and I can just accept the way life works and in there the pain and joy that comes with it.
Without walking away from pain or trying to manipulate, wanting to change myself or other people, trying to protect myself
… and just… letting it be..
Accepting it… all of it.
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